By Dr. Jane A. Liedtke, founder of "Our Chinese Daughters Foundation" (www.ocdf.org)

Use Strategies of Intercultural Understanding Approach cultural issues from the positive perspective. What are the similarities between American life and life in XYZ country/culture? Don't make it about right and wrong. "I can't believe they don't have western toilets here!" exclaimed one adoptive mom upon arrival at a Chinese rural farm. Her child meanwhile hears that there is something wrong with a culture that uses a system that doesn't require a person to be in physical contact with a toilet. Was that the message the mother intended for her child?

As an adoptive parent please think before YOU speak and act! A response that points out the difference but does not imply there is something wrong would be: "Isn't it interesting how this toilet is different from ours at home?" "Let's find out why they are designed this way." Differences should not be heard by the child as "bad" unless perhaps they are differences that create a harmful situation/unsafe condition. Even then, take care in how you approach it. This doesn't mean you can't be who you are (your personality, your beliefs and your preferences) but you are now forming models for your child. We must create a focus for our children that will help them embrace culture and accept differences as being ok. If you can model for the child intercultural understanding and create opportunities for your child to experience different cultures then they will accept differences and learn to adapt to them. They may even decide they don't like something but it will be based on their experience and an understanding versus through your filters.

Examples:

For many years my own mother would not come to China with me on a trip despite me offering to bring her with many groups and individual treks. Her mindset was that she didn't like Chinese food so therefore she could not visit China. She would even announce to all far and wide how she didn't like Chinese food (luckily this was prior to my adopting Emily and she had not done this in front of her). After Emily and I moved to China she finally came to visit us (actually came to see her granddaughter, Emily!).

I had told her about McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Dominos Pizza that delivered, A&W Rootbeer, TGIFridays, Scholtsky's Deli, and every other American food establishment in Beijing in order to bribe her to come. Upon arrival I didn't take her to any of these places to eat - conveniently they were "inconvenient" to our daily schedule. As such, she had to try Chinese food. Ok, I'll admit it - I forced it on her! She was amazed at how much she enjoyed it and was willing to try a wide variety of dishes. I have always been rather independent and luckily explored at a young age places throughout the world. My mother didn't have such opportunities and it limited her ability to make decisions about her travels and about people in the world. Her toolbox now is so different than it was before. That scenario is not uncommon for her generation. BUT....

Not long ago I encountered an adoptive Mom who told me that she didn't eat Chinese food and neither did her daughter (from China) so she told me that when they decide to come to China they will pack a suitcase of food - like enough peanut butter for the entire trip. I explained that it wasn't necessary to do so that I was sure she would discover a wide variety of foods available during our meals and surely something would be suitable. Likewise, I told her of the array of western food and grocery stores selling peanut butter. This was not about allergies mind you - it was about mind-set. I asked questions about her daughter and she said that her daughter, like her, didn't like Chinese food. I couldn't help but think that the child likely had no experience with Chinese food to know whether or not she really liked it AND with her mom toting peanut butter with them to China was going to get the message reinforced that there is something wrong with eating Chinese food.

Your own reactions and interactions with people locally tell a child a lot about your "thinking" globally. Try to have interchanges with your child that explore issues of diversity, poverty, lifestyles, foods, and religions. These dialogs add tools to their "toolbox" as well. When we returned to live in China in 1998 I was concerned that the experience for Emily could be one of culture shock despite having had culture camp in the USA, friends who were adopted from China, Chinese friends in our community of Bloomington-Normal, eating Chinese food most of the time, and my frequent trips to China (and the books, the videos, etc etc). I decided to bring her on a 3-week trip at age 5 about 2 months prior to the move. We traveled to Beijing and took a side trip to the beach at Beidaihe.

Emily immediately was looking everywhere a little bit amazed, maybe shocked at times if she saw something really unusual. I decided to play a game with her while riding in the taxi each time we went somewhere - identify those things that are similar and those things that are different. The list of similarities was long and the differences came down to a few items that struck her as more prominent than others: traffic, bicycles everywhere, so many restaurants, lots of people, and it's dirtier. These were things about being in a different city and not about race, culture, or ethnicity. Her list of similarities was longer and emphasized interactions - people say hello, people are nice to me, kids play in the park, etc. While she was 5 at the time and I didn't expect much from this, she didn't leave that trip thinking that moving to China was going to be a terrible thing. She was willing and eager to do so. For much of our time here the only things she misses are the occasional trek to Toys R Us and her backyard swing set. I believe her successful transition to life in China to be a function of the differences being seen as just something that is different, not something that is bad.

That said, I am not without my faults and days when the China lifestyle creates a meltdown. I believe she accepts that too as part of the struggle to accept things that are very very different and sees how hard we work through cultural challenges to have positive experiences. (2 of 4, to be continued...)