Searching for Identity

How well do you know yourself? Some of us are quite good at self-understanding. Others are pretty deficient at accurately understanding how they tick, what they value, and so on.

You probably know some people who seem to deeply understand the complexities of their own personalities, character, values, motives, and general inner workings. And you probably know others who seem to not have a clue about their own psychological make-up. I know that I know plenty of both types.

One of my mentors in the early years of my career was deeply reflective and introspective (he is an excellent clinical psychologist, so that gave him quite a professional advantage, but definitely not a guarantee) and seemed to explore and know himself much more impressively than most people.

Another colleague seemed completely out of touch with what he was really like. He would describe himself in ways that few who really knew him would agree with.

According to personality theorist Daniel McAdams, our personalities are a form of narrative or story we tell about ourselves. For my first colleague, the story he told about himself (his personality narrative) was generally right on target. For the second, his story was much closer to fiction. But the power of self-delusion can be very impressive, and he believed it deeply and behaved (misbehaved?) accordingly.

Adolescence is a time when we really work hard psychologically at discovering/writing the story of our personalities. This is called identity formation. Adolescents labor over self-reflection and social-reflection, two highly inter-related processes of identity formation. Self-reflection has to do with self-examination and scrutinizing all the details of our selves (both important and trivial). Social-reflection is looking at how we are reflected in the mirrors that are our friends, relatives and acquaintances. In other words, we pay close attention to how others react to us. This helps us figure out who we are.

Of course this is really a life-long journey. We do much of the foundational work in adolescence but we prepare for it in childhood and continue to refine it throughout the rest of our lives.

As your teenagers continue to mystify you with their switches and turns, with their misconceptions and masquerades, and with their general confusion about who they are and who they want to become, be a guidepost. Help them find themselves (and their characters).

But be a patient guidepost as they have to ultimately find their ways and their selves by themselves. You can point but they have to choose to follow. Understand that guidance is helpful but wrong turns and even immobility are nearly inevitable.

They are works in progress, but so are you. Forming an identity or a character is a never-ending process, a necessary process, and often a difficult one. You can suggest plot lines, but ultimately every kid needs to be the author of his or her own story.