News Report

Have you ever foolishly asked your child how her day went? Or worse yet, what she learned in school today?

If so, you likely got a blank stare and at best one of those indecipherable gutteral utterances that children, especially adolescents, seem so fond of producing in lieu of authentic communication.

Not particularly informative, eh?

Well there are some solutions to this communication backwater, although of course none of them are sure-fire answers.

One comes from the school. I often suggest that teachers use class meetings (for more on this, see the Caring School Community program – www.devstu.org).

One way to do this is to do it at the end of the school day and to ask students to each share something they learned that day that they can tell their parents. Then students are both prepared to share their learning when mom or dad asks and they are focused on the function of sharing school with home. In this way students both review learning (at school and home) and connect school to home.

Another interesting way to tackle the non-communicativeness of kids is to make a ritual of it. In the movie "The Story of Us", written by my friend Alan Zweibel, the family regularly asked each other to report on what was the best thing and the worst thing about their day.

My sister uses an interesting spin on this. As a bed time ritual, she asks her children two questions: (1) what was the best thing that happened to you today?; and (2) what is one thing you learned today? Yesterday, for instance, her 11 year old son's answer to #1 was "two things: playing basketball and seeing Uncle Marvin" (you didn't think I would pass up an opportunity to tell you that one, did you?). His answer to #2 was "the difference between a CAT scan and an X-ray" (he had a scan done that day).

I really like this ritual for a number of reasons. First, it creates a norm of parent-child communication. Ritualizing it makes it predictable, safe, and non-threatening. It is expected and becomes a welcome part of the family routines.

Second, it focuses on affirmation. She is asking only for good things. At bed time that is a fine idea; that is, to go to sleep with a positive memory in mind.

Third, it focuses on learning. Her kids are being asked to review something they learned that day which reinforces the importance of learning and helps them review and rehearse something they learned.

As I have suggested numerous times, a major part of forming the bond between parent and child is to keep the lines of communication wide open. Rituals like this make it easier to talk when the rough times come and the inevitable crises arise. Those times when open communication is most critical and least likely. Unless you have laid the groundwork by communication rituals like these.

So find ways to create family communication and sharing rituals and the payoffs will be multiple, including the development of character in your children.