Leslie Su Cheng
Editor Note:"OCA-STL Column - a monthly column with topics that concerns our community. We'll also accept any appropriate questions or topics that you want us to discuss. They can be forwarded to Eling Lam at communications@oca-stl.org"
Sending one's own child to college, like other milestone events in life, can trigger strong emotions. Besides the natural anxieties and uncertainties one has about the child's ability to adapt smoothly into the college life, the parent also, for the first time, has to deal with the feeling of being "left behind" by the child. The feeling of no longer being included in the child's enlarged world could be complicated and sometimes excruciatingly disabling. Every year when fall comes around, the transition difficulties become the running news and stories - not only for the college freshmen but also for their parents, the empty-nesters.Like in other transition situations in life, family dynamic and emotional wellbeing are always the key factors in determining whether such a transition would be a successful one. Individual personalities also play a role. Some have more difficulties than others. But in general, the difficulties faced by immigrant families, especially the Asian American families, are of greater depth and magnitude and the challenges are of a distinct kind. Besides some of the given situations faced by all immigrant families - the lack of support from extended family, and the inherently lonely existence in an adopted country -- there are also several contributing factors unique to the Asian parent-child relationships that make this transition particularly difficult.First comes to mind is of course the close-knit nature of Asian families, which we are all so proud of. Closeness makes separation more difficult. But as in any human relationship, closeness is a double-edged sword. There is always a darker side to it. And unfortunately, the closeness in Asian families is usually not built upon equal reciprocity but on the total dominance of parents over their children. The parents make all the decisions regarding every aspect of their children's lives. They decide what courses to take, what colleges to apply, what activities to participate, what friends to hang out with, what parties to go to, etc. They dictate their children's every move. With this tilted relationship and the heavy involvements on the parents' part, it becomes extremely difficult for the parents to accept that by the sheer physical separation they can no longer have the kind of hand-on dealings with their children. They feel they are losing control. Without knowing the details of their children's life, they are filled with anxieties and worries.Another source of the empty feeling comes from the overt emphasis Asian families tend to put on the college application process. For a lot of Asian families, the process starts from elementary schools. Years and years of preparations, sacrifices, disciplines, and tensions all gear toward the admission into a prestigious college. But as often in life, after a badly-wanted goal is achieved, what follows is not exhilaration but emptiness. So after years and years of striving and pursuing at the expense of everything else, both the achieving children and their pushy parents may actually experience a let-down. It's not so different from the physical fatigue a marathon runner experiences at the finish line. For the "devoted" parents, after years of concentrating on helping their children build the perfect resume - the perfect GPA, the perfect standardized scores, the right kind of extracurricular activities, the appropriate connections etc., they suddenly lose the purpose of their lives. In addition, in being the full-time "coach", the parents have basically forsaken their own growth and development and have invested their existential worth exclusively in the achievements of the children. They have lived through their children for too long. Once the goal is achieved, the big void left behind is impossible to fill overnight, even for those whose children get into the dream universities and those who earn the boasting right to talk about their children perfect college placement all the time.Thirdly, Asian parents seem less able to trust their children. This is not because Asian parents are inherently suspicious. This is due to the vicious circle of parents never giving their children the chance to make any major decision. Since they have never seen their children exercise their sound judgments, they are falsely convinced that the children are totally incapable of handling any situation without their help. Thus their imaginations run wild to come up with all kind of scenario where their helpless children could totally mess up. In order to be the "responsible" parents, they constantly, through various communication means, bombard their children with unwanted advices. They treat their college-bound children like ten-year-olds, meddling to the point of smothering them. The resentments quickly build up inside the children, as they, for the first time, have a chance to live beyond the reach of their parents and have a chance to observe how differently his/her peers interact with their parents. They start to find their nagging parents more and more intolerable. But when those unwanted advices fall to deaf ears, the parents feel terribly hurt. The feeling of not needed by their children deepens the already hollow feeling.What makes the situation even worse for the depressed parents is that their children are actually having the time of their lives. They are intoxicated by the new-found freedom, more so than children from less strict non-Asian families. They may not choose to sleep at ten as the tyrannical rule at home dictates. They also may try to party a bit, or engage in other social activities which, in their parents' eyes, are nothing but distractions to their academic studies. The children's exhilarations and excitements can be taken badly by the parents, as if they were the jilted lovers, no longer good enough for their kids. The babies have moved on to a larger and more exciting new world. The one left behind starts to complain about not getting enough phone calls, not enough details about their daily routines, etc. This only further annoys the children. Some of them show their impatience not so subtly and further damage the parents' fragile feelings. Thus we start the vicious circle again - parents' demands for respect and interjection into the children's lives are met with indifference, and the children's swelling resentments further alienate themselves from their parents.In the end, the sufferers tend to be the parents. In our community, the empty-nesters' tragic stories abound, from extreme depression, dissolution of long marriages, to permanently strained relationships between the parents and the children.I do not think several quick and easy tips can get one out of this deep emotional quagmire which has taken such a long time to build. The only possible solution is to go through a thorough soul searching which, hopefully, will turn out more self knowledge and self awareness. The fundamental question to ask oneself is always "whose need am I serving, mine or my child's?" If you are honest with yourself, you will find a lot of times, things you do in the name of love for your child, are actually done to fulfill your own needs: the need to take control, the need to know every detail of your child's life, the need for your child to turn out in certain ways, the need for your child to live up to your expectations, he need for your child to be successful according to your definition of success, the need for your child to take what you think is the right path, and the need to feel needed by your child.Basically, you have to recognize that a lot of things you think you are doing for your child are actually done for your own sake. You think you are "helping" your child, but essentially you are the one that is emotionally dependent on your child. You have the emotional need to latch yourself onto your child's life, even against his/her wish. So ironically, the one who has the dependency issue is not your child but you. And your dependency is a tremendously crippling burden to the child. A freshman girl at Washington University once told me that she had to call her mom in Shanghai everyday because she does not want her mom to go crazy. If she misses one day, her mom just goes absolutely berserk. It is apparent here, who is depending on whom. Do we, as parents, want our children who just start this wonderful journey of their lives to be burned by our own emotional needs? Or is it fair? The best gift a parent can give to his/her college-bound child is letting go. Let the child be free to explore, live, learn, absorb, not bound by the nagging worries of his/her parents.In order to let go, one of course has to learn how to respect and trust one's own child. Even though children from Asian families tend to be less independent than their counterparts because of their parents' overbearing and over-protective attitude, most of them are reasonably capable young adults. In the campus setting, they will be safe and functioning fine. The most humiliation you can inflict upon your child is to treat him/her like a ten-year-old who does not even know what clothes to wear or when to go to bed.It is true that a parent can never stop worrying about his/her children. Worrying is a life-long parental obsession. But the question is how one should handle this obsession. The difference between good parenting and bad parenting lies precisely in how those worries are dealt with. We can dump all our worries onto our children and forbid them to do this or that in order to lessen our own worries. Or we can treat the worries as our own problems and challenges and deal with them properly without impeding our children's lives. The parents who confuse the issue and always ask the children to accommodate their fears and worries will eventually drive the children away.Many parents genuinely believe worrying is a form of love. We often hear parents say to the children: "I do this because I love you. If I don't love you, how would I be so worried about you?" This sounds logic but it also demonstrates the most selfish form of love, because the parents insist on loving the children on their own terms. The other side of the equation is the child's perspective: "If you love me why can't you let me be myself? Why do I always have to conform to what you want? Why can't you love me the way I want to be loved?" The test of true love is always whether we can love other people on their terms: not the way we want, but the way they want. Same with parental love. A true selfless love for your child is to give permission for him/her to live his/her life without having to deal with the guilty feelings your constant expressions of worries incite.But this does not mean you should simply ignore your own emotions. When you feel overwhelmed by the emptiness that is gnawing your heart away, you need to take it seriously. It is not uncommon for empty-nesters to develop serious depressions. The separation anxiety together with other middle-age physiological changes could result in something debilitating. You should never be ashamed of your feelings. There is no such thing as right or wrong feelings, only right or wrong ways to deal with those feelings. Seek out other empty-nesters so you can share common thoughts and feelings. If necessary, seek professional help. You have to take good care of yourself because you child still needs you. Only when you are in a good emotional state can you be of any use to him/her and only when you have the right mindset can you listen effectively and patiently to what your child has to say. Not all the students make the smooth transition. You want to be there, if your child happens to have difficulties. If you are overwhelmed and let your own emotions, be it sorrow, anxiety or worry, dominate the exchange between you and your child, he/she will never open up to you even he/she is experiencing great difficulties. When your child tells you about his/her problems, try to be calm. Do not let your hysterics shut him/her up. Be calm, supportive, and sympathetic. Avoid giving rushed judgment, lecture, or self-righteous advice. Maybe all your child needs is some sympathy and cheering up. A lot of time, our children come to us, not necessarily for answers which we may not have and should not pretend to always have. They sometimes come to us just for human warmth and sympathetic listening. Try to be their sounding board but let them find the answer themselves. It's their lives and they must have the chance to make mistakes in order to really grow.As a currently popular saying that is attributed to our culture goes: hidden in the crises are always opportunities. It applies here too. The empty-nest, a potential crisis in life, can actually be turned into an opportunity - an opportunity to take stock of one's life, an opportunity for self-reflection and an opportunity to develop and grow.Two years ago, I sent my younger son to college. At the moment of saying good-bye, I told him how much I would miss him. But with misty eyes and choking voice, I also told him how excited I was feeling for him (and I truly was). I also asked him to feel excited for me because I would be evolving into an equally exciting new stage of my life. In looking forward myself, I want him to look forward too, not turning back, nor held back by his parents' sadness. Ahead of him stretches the most important and the most exciting time of his life. He is supposed be the major player and the full participant. The play should not be missed or dampened for his parents' sake. He should fly like a bird, free and unfettered, not like a kite, tethered to a string.By giving our children the blessing of freedom and independence, we are freeing ourselves too. By launching them into the world, we are also releasing ourselves to the boundless possibilities life affords us if we will ourselves to take advantage of them.
Editor Note:
"OCA-STL Column - a monthly column with topics that concerns ourcommunity. We'll also accept any appropriate questions or topics thatyou want us to discuss. They can be forwarded to Eling Lam atcommunications@oca-stl.org"
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