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by Larry Deutsch, YIN
The term "conflict resolution" refers to a technique of peacefully and equitably settling a dispute by getting to the root of the problem and by reaching a lasting and mutually agreeable solution for all parties involved. It is important that the result be achieved without resorting to violence or name calling, without running away from the disagreement, and without compromising your values. For teenagers, broken friendships, changing relationships, and disagreements with authority figures are the most common sources of conflict, but jealousy, gossip, greed, and even prejudice can also factor in.
Resolving deep-rooted issues is never easy, and many people will try to avoid confronting these matters in their own way. Some more aggressive people may lash out by attacking the values, feelings, or even the person themselves rather than face a difficult issue. Other less aggressive individuals may avoid conflict altogether, give into their counterpart, or even pretend that the problem does not exist. However, avoiding an issue will not make it magically disappear. Instead, take the following steps toward resolving the issue peacefully and productively:
1. Calm Down: It's important to be in a calm frame of mind when you're trying to reach a solution. Take a few deep breaths, slowly inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth. Try to relax your body, releasing tension from your muscles. If necessary, take a 10-minute "time out" and leave the room to distance yourself from your feelings before returning to tackle the problem with renewed vigor.
2. Name The Problem: If you cannot call it by name, then you will never be able to resolve an issue. Be very specific in describing the problem that you wish to address, focusing on the issue at hand and not the person or persons with whom you have this disagreement. Most importantly of all, always be sure that both sides of the story are represented.
3. Formulate a Plan: Begin by coming up with as many possible solutions as you can. Then, consider each of these ideas, weighing the pros and cons along with the possible outcomes as a result. Finally, choose a plan that is mutually beneficial, possibly through the assistance of an impartial mediator, whose function is to facilitate the conversation and not to make decisions.
Communication is the key to successful conflict resolution. In order to hold up your end of the bargain as an effective communicator, you must try to be a good listener. First and foremost, adjust your body position to demonstrate to others that you are fully focused are intent upon resolving the issue. Sit up straight, relax your arms, and look your counterpart in the eye at all times.
When the other person is speaking, clear your mind and open up to what they are saying. Do not allow yourself to spend this time just formulating your own counter-argument. When the other person is finished, try restating the speaker's point of view in your own words. This lets that person know whether or not you fully understood what her or she said and assures them that you are listening closely. Allow that person to rephrase their point if your summary is incomplete or not to their liking.
When it is your turn to speak, say what is on your mind without resorting to verbal or physical hostility. Express what you think about the situation without laying blame on the other person. For example, the statement "You think you're the only one that matters" could be better stated as, "I was upset because I felt that my ideas were being ignored." By following a few simple guidelines you may find that conflict resolution is not quite as difficult as it once seemed.
Larry Deutsch is the Community Education Director for Youth In Need, a non-profit organization serving the youth and families of eastern Missouri. Youth In Need has taken a "strength-based" approach toward helping teens, which stresses the empowerment of youngsters to solve their own problems. Youth In Need counselors avoid preaching or belittling clients and work to improve situations rather than searching for blame in them. The program offers personalized in-home visits, information and assistance on life needs, and opportunities to share experiences with peers. For more information please contact Youth In Need at (636) 946-0101.
 
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