A Tribune to My Mother

By Olivia Ly-Pieknik
 
The first time I learned of the value Vietnamese society placed on boys compared to girls was when my younger sister, Victoria, was born in 1965.  I was five years old.  It was then the whispering from father's family began.  The conversation stopped whenever my mother entered the room.  They said that it was my mother's fault because she had two girls and no boy.  When my mother was pregnant the following year, the whispers became direct statements.  One time I heard my father's sister say to my mother, "You
should make sure that it will be a boy this time."  It was as if my mother had the choice of ordering what kind of baby she would give birth to.  My two brothers were born one after another the following year.  No more talk about my father taking a mistress or the yoke my mother carried on her shoulders.  My mother delivered what society expected of her and received approval based on the values that boys were more important than girls.
 
"Respect and love your husband, but always maintain your independence," my mother said.  The comment was prompted when the neighbor next door was beaten by her husband and taken to the hospital for the second time within a month.  My mother tried to help the women but she said that it was her fate and that the abuse was a payback for what she did to him in her previous life.  Even though my parents' marriage was strong and happy, my mother recognized the need to maintain her independence.  She spoke up when my father's
family tried to interfere in their marriage.  She also believed in being a traditional Asian woman, strong but invisible.  She believed in speaking up but her voice would not be louder than her husband's.  In her own quiet way, my mother has nurtured me to be proud of myself and to be a strong Asian woman.
 
I was 19 years old when my family came to the United States in 1980.  A friend of my uncle told me that she would help find me a husband who was a cook at a Chinese restaurant.  "Marry him and you will not go hungry", she said.  My mother told me that I should not settle for anything and to achieve the impossible dream she was not able to in Viet Nam.  She encouraged my sister and me to obtain college education.  After almost six years of working full time and attending Hunter College at night, I received my Bachelor's degree in Communication.  My younger sister, Victoria, received her Master's degree in Social Work at New York University.  We achieved the dream our mother could not.  

Although my life in America is much different from my mother's in Viet Nam, I still have the same struggle to be recognized as equal and important in my relationships.  I was asked so many times whether I learned to speak English from my Caucasian husband.  As an Asian American woman, I am expected to be charming, quiet and accept the token opportunities when decisions are being made at work for management promotions or in the community for leadership positions.  To shatter the stereotypes, I actively participate in many community and business organizations.  I want society to recognize the voices of Asian American women.  Our voices could be an effective whisper or loudly above all the noises.  I believe that through collective strength and determination, we shall be heard on issues that impact us as Asian American women.  We have allowed other people to speak for us and it is time for us to be our own voices.  The dreams we achieved will honor our mothers and pave the way for our daughters and grand-daughters.